15th
paying the price to the jealous gods
my dad was a quotable fellow. i sometimes have these overwhelming urges to revisit his more quotable moments, and dash off to closets and boxes for old journals where i jotted them down.
as i slowly pack up my beloved bungalow and all the journals it holds, i am reminded of some of dad’s favorite quotables. specifically, i can think of a dozen pivotal, challenging moments in my life that were punctuated by dad saying,”well, liz, just think of it as paying your price to the jealous gods.” this is a favorite because for the first twenty years of my life i replied with a nod of resignation thinking that it meant something along the lines of “suck it up, kiddo.”
maybe it did…in a way. but in later conversations with dad, during my much more emotionally intelligent thirties, i realized that what he was saying is that nothing really spectacular comes without a price or at the very least, an important lesson.
dad was proud of my entrepreneurial spirit and the gumption i showed around growing my little business. i used to talk with him about how the long hours and tiny budget (read salary or lack thereof) didn’t concern me because i was finally living my bliss.
i’ve been thinking about how in a VERY indirect way, my little business, the long hours and tiny budget contributed to my marriage failing. how money was always a strain between the man formerly known as husband and me. how i always believed it would all work out in the end, how i assured him the bills would always get paid (and they did), how i trusted that the future and our hard work would pay off (i still trust this), and how choosing passion mixed with a strong sense of responsibility over straight up practicality was a good thing (really! it is!).
i lose a husband and regain my wings. big price, hard lesson.
SO, daddy-o, on this night, i am thinking of you and your parental advice, your quotable presence in my life, your interminable trust in my decisions, your whole-hearted faith in me. i am wishing i could phone you up and hear you say just one more time,”i never worry about you. of all the people i know, i never worry about you. you’re just paying your price to the jealous gods.”
